Month: October 2018

As a little girl I remember having all of my cousins over and we would play with our dolls in a playhouse that was built for me. It was nothing fancy. Simple plywood with a window at the back purchased from a yard sale and an old door that had to have a new hinge put on it so it would stay shut. Hours and hours were spent in that old house. Memories that will always be close to my heart. I look back now and it seems so long ago. Such a lifetime ago. I never thought the day would come when I was no longer a child but a grown adult.

I always wanted to be a mother. It was something that was on my list of things I had to do when I grew up. Caring for people and helping them learn is something that has always meant a lot to me. It scared the heck out of me though when I would stumble upon a commercial advertisement of a mother who did not sleep for days or flipping channels and coming upon a woman giving birth. Its funny how something you watch can be so terrifying even when it is not you going through it. I think the scariest part is the fact that you have this tiny human in your arms and they are going to be totally dependent on you for the rest of your life. They are going to rely on you to help them through the good times and to coach them and work with them through all the curves that life throws at them. Its going to be long days, some not so happy moments but the good memories always outweigh the bad.

I never really fully understood or believed the saying that you forget all the pain as soon as they place that baby in your arms. I would laugh under my breath at the person telling me this. I never imagined something so painful and agonizing could simply be erased within a minute from your exhausted mind.

Words cannot express that emotion I felt when they placed that beautiful baby girl on my chest for the first time. My heart just exploded with love and an automatic sense of protection came over me. You never really think you can love such a little bundle of baby all snuggled up so much. But you do. And I had this very same feeling when they placed Kendra in my arms. Two very different birth stories but all the same outcome of a healthy beautiful baby waiting to be loved.

My two girls are miracles. I believe they are a true gift from God and that I was meant to be their mom. I am not a perfect mom by no means but a perfect mom in my eyes is someone who cares for that child no matter what and loves them unconditionally and selflessly puts their child or children before their own needs. If you love your children with your whole heart you are a perfect mother in my eyes.

Life can throw many curves sometimes and at times it is hard to understand why those things may happen.  Its funny how everybody says life is short and it sure is. Some people believe things happen for the good and most people believe things happen for a reason. On August 31, 2005 I had a scare and I sure thought my life was over. At that time in my life I was newly engaged, we had just purchased a new home and I was working a tremendous amount of hours.  I woke up that morning to an ordinary day, had my shower and breakfast.  I went outside to let our sweet dog Denver have his pee before I had to leave for work. I threw together two pieces of bread with butter, lunch meat and an apple and stopped at the local variety store for a Pepsi along the way. I was on my way to visit a client with the Red Cross when I came upon a downpour rain storm and I hydroplaned Adams car. I rolled in the ditch and there I lay in the car literally numb from my neck down. All I remember was my windshield wipers going as fast as they could trying to keep up with the rain pounding on the windshield. It was so loud. You could hear nothing but rumbling.  I couldn’t see where I was going. I knew there was a curve ahead and I panicked and hit my brakes too fast. As I lay there looking around all I could see was water pouring down the windows and the music in my car still playing. Thoughts rolling through my head “Oh my word what is happening?” ” Who is going to find me ?” I think I’m going to die.

For weeks I lay in the Trauma Unit of the Ottawa Civic Campus attached to what seemed to be thousands of wires and machines. You never think when you wake up in the morning that by the end of that day you will need a machine to make you breathe and a long huge tube coming out of your mouth to keep you alive. Lots of long days and nights of pain, agony, needles and loss of dignity. I had a ton of family and friends by my side the whole time. It amazing how having someone just sit beside you and not say a word can be so comforting. The future was so unpredictable during those weeks that all we could do was pray and keep faith in our lives day by day and believe that good things would happen.

It was weeks later that I realized what was going on. I have no clear recollection of what went on and who was in to visit me those first few days but for most people that know me, know how terrified I am to fly. And I was literally shocked to learn that it was a helicopter that brought me to this very hospital. I would lay a couple nights thinking to myself how the heck did I get in a helicopter and not even know!!

Its amazing how your mind and body work together and how sometimes no matter how hard to try to think and remember something it is completely erased from your mind. The mind is a powerful thing. It can take you to places you never dreamed but we rely on it so much. My body at this point was immobile but my hearing was exceptional. And I often wondered if people thought I was deaf too. I think they thought I couldn’t hear everything but I could. Things like “Oh this poor girl is supposed to be getting married” “This girl will never walk again” but I think the most heart wrenching words I remember and would never want anyone to hear was “Melissa is a quadriplegic”. 

A quadriplegic better known as a “quad” is a person that is paralyzed from the chest down. This initial diagnoses for Adam and my immediate family was devastating. How do you even begin to comprehend something like this? I remember a doctor coming in and standing at the end of my bed. She had a green scrub on with dark hair holding a book in her hand, arms crossed at chest level. She looked at me and told me the diagnosis was not good and that they were doing everything medically possible to heal me. She rambled on what seemed to be forever and I can’t even tell you the rest of what she said to me as my body was so numb, my heart was so full of heart ache and a huge feeling of emptiness came upon me. Why me? Why me? After she left the room I lay there and could see the horrifying look on everyones face in that room that day. But you know what? I never believed her.

I never once let myself believe that I would never walk again. I had a gut feeling inside of me that some miracle would happen and I would have a better diagnosis. I relied a lot on prayer and God. I talked to him everyday asking for strength and courage to get through this. I prayed that someday these tubes would be gone, the machines would be gone and that I could at least be able to talk again, eat, smile etc. I knew that everything was in God’s timing and that I had to be patient. If I allowed him to walk through this journey with me I would be ok.

Fast forward a few months as I transferred to the Ottawa General Rehab centre where my goals were written on a piece of paper and the therapists looking at me like “wishful thinking”. Hours and hours a day of intense exercise and range of motion on arms and legs. So intense that some days when I got back to my room I would have to vomit from the workout my body just endured. Tears flowing as the pain was now real as my nerves began to heal..so did the pain. Agonizing pain some nights like a match burning right on your skin. But it was not going to stop me. I needed to walk. I needed to walk down the isle in less than 8 months.

The rehab centre was where I took my very first steps but before I could take those steps we had to try standing machines and slings to see if my body would allow it and that my blood pressure would cooperate so we could try. Imagine laying for 6 months and then suddenly someone just comes over and stands you up in 2 seconds. Thats how I felt. The biggest head rush you could ever imagine. We had to use the standing machine in baby steps as my body got used to the standing position again. Weeks of more training and exercises to build up the strength in my legs and I was ready for the walking bars. This was just so exciting for me. Who knew that two steel bars coming out of a floor could be so exciting for a 23 year old woman lol.

I began walking slowly after only two weeks on the bars. One of the scariest times I had at the rehab center for sure. Fear of falling, fear of failure and a deep gut wrenching fear of breaking another bone. I had to let myself get over the fact that I now required equipment to let me do something I had been doing my whole life before my accident. You never think that something can be taken away from you so quickly. Things that we as human beings take for granted everyday. As I stand there in the bars I have to hide the fact I am ready to bawl my eyes out because I am so embarrassed, so vulnerable and so dependent on every therapist and professional in this room.

I always wanted to be a caregiver whether it be a nurse, a mom, a personal support worker. I always had a special place in my heart for those people that needed help and knew that was a job I wanted to do. I graduated Opeongo High School and attended Algonquin College and had a job before I even received my diploma. I was hired by the Red Cross Society and a few months after that I accepted a position at the Caressant Care Retirement home in Cobden. I worked countless hours at both jobs and enjoyed every minute. The first time they placed my sore body in a wheelchair tears flowed down my cheeks again as all I could think of was people who are in wheelchairs all the time. I worked with these people and never in my life did I ever think I would end up in one. As I got to the end of the walking bars my physiotherapist told me it was time for me to turn around and walk another line. I was so mad at her. Could she not see how tired I was? Could she not see the intense spasms that my legs were enduring. Shaking through my whole body and my face as white as snow. She looked at me and said “You want to walk again don’t you”. I never looked her in the face. My eyes were plastered on that ugly black chair with wheels. I needed to get out of that thing. Please God, just let me walk.

My strength improved drastically over the next few weeks and doctors could not believe how I was healing. I was strong enough to now walk with a walker for short distances. I could feed myself and attempt to do things like brush my hair and teeth. But fatigue was definitely something that was stopping me from all the other things I wanted to do. My body would get so tired that I felt like I was floating on a cloud. It was all I could do to lift my upper extremities. Feeling like I was going to puke almost everyday because I had gone through so much and my body was just completely exhausted. But I needed to get strong enough to get out of there and get home. I needed to be in my house and with my family so I had their comforting words face to face and not over a telephone. So many hard nights as I lay restless and unable to sleep. All the stuff I was missing out on. Missing my family and friends so much. When I would get down and lonely I would roll myself over in bed and stare at my card plastered wall. Yes my wall in my hospital room was plastered with pictures, cards and letters from home. Words of encouragement from people I didn’t even know but had read my story in the local newspaper. These were the people that helped me and gave me strength when most of them probably never thought a simple card could make someone’s day. They kept me motivated.

Fast forward again another couple weeks. Words that I had been waiting for, for months. “You are being released next week” WHAT? I couldn’t believe it. Nurses, therapists, staff and other patients spent the next 7 days visiting me, making sure my home plan was in order and things back here in the valley were all in order so I could finally go home. On January 25, 2006 I was released from the Ottawa Rehab Center. Nurses gathered around for pictures. This was not something they witnessed everyday. Everyone was so happy for me. And I couldn’t help but feel emotional as well as these people had faith in me, they helped me through some of the darkest days I had ever endured. They heard our stories and concerns but always kept a positive attitude so that I could keep that same attitude as well. They never gave up on me. My family never gave up on me. We loaded into the elevator with all of my stuff and headed out to the parking lot to load in the car. Such a weird feeling. Like a huge weight was off my shoulders. I looked back over my shoulder and stared at my hospital room window and thought to myself ” Thank you God for my second chance”.